Trigger Warning // Scattered Raw Thoughts // Brief Family Update

Today marks one month since Everett left this earth.

Only two months ago we moved up north, and one month later, Everett was suddenly called home.

We hadn’t even really got settled in yet. Totally blindsided and unsuspecting.

Every fibre of my being wishes Everett were still here. The moment I wake up, I feel that horrible aching in my broken heart screaming that Everett is gone and he isn’t coming back. The ache that doesn’t go away. I can’t remember the last thing I said to Everett. Memories from our last month together are few, I hope more come back to mind in the future. But for now my mind runs rampant thinking about him almost everywhere I look.

Family meal times are so hard. The table feels so big and empty. Our van only needs 4 seats now. I find myself counting how many kids other families have. Everett, I miss making waffles for you on weekends. I miss coming home from work seeing you playing baseball in the yard. There is no one coming to join me when I start watching a game. We loved so many of the same things and without you these things feel so hollow now. Our stash of board games aren’t being used anymore. I miss your constant chattering. The dark, dingy basement of our old barn will never see you develop your carpentry skills any further. You and Piper would’ve put in lots of hours by now playing in the upstairs of the barn. Now, it’s just a place for storage, with toys, tools, and equipment you will never get to use. I miss seeing your creative drawings laying around the house. The bush only has a few trails, and some of them stop suddenly. I won’t get to take you to another Blue Jay game. I miss you cracking jokes. I miss your amazing giggle. I miss your humor. I miss your energy and love for life. I miss being amused and amazed by your amazing mind. I miss just hanging out with you. You were such a great friend! I miss you desperately. I love you Everett.

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FAMILY UPDATE:

Piper and Sage both seem to be doing very well considering what they are going thru. Thank you for praying for them!

Sage talks about Everett a lot. Everett was his hero. He knows Everett is in Heaven, but it seems he thinks that we can get to Heaven by airplane. He seems to understand that Everett is gone. It’s hard to know what’s really going on in his 2 year old mind. He will ask “are you sad about Everett?” and has started offering me hugs when he can see that I am crying. He normally goes to sleep at night nicely, but he hasn’t been sleeping through the night since Everett isn’t with him. Other then that he seems to basically be displaying normal 2 year old behaviour. (He just informed me that if I stop crying in my bed I will feel better (I am crying writing this post). What a sweet boy he is.

Piper has been so brave and strong in the face of losing her best friend. She makes our broken hearts burst with pride. She is starting to play again independently. She was so excited to go to her brand new school, and has been loving it. Her teacher informed Amberley recently that they went to a park area of the school that was built in honour of an 8 year old who had died, and Piper put up her hand and let the class know that her brother had died as well. We are grateful she is feeling comfortable enough with her new classmates to share such a personal thing, and to know that her teacher is more concerned with her emotional well being then her academics.

How are me and Amberley doing? That’s a hard question to answer. Our grief has displayed itself differently at times. We both feel immense pain, sorrow and loss. We grieve for Piper and Sage, and we grieve for ourselves because we just miss Everett so much. Right now the future looks so bleak and sad without Everett with us. It’s so hard. I cry every day. I am constantly just a second or 2 away from choking back tears. Numerous times I have felt like things were unbearable and that I couldn’t go on. It’s wearing trying to get through a long work day without breaking down. Some days (or moments) it feels more like we can make it through this, other days (or moments) it feels like we will wallow in heavy grief until death. I think with time things are slowly improving slightly, but we face a lifelong road ahead of us. I think we will forever be marked by grief. There are brief moments of laughter in our house again, but they always feel like just a slight momentary relief from our sorrow. I don’t know if we will ever be able to laugh the same again. But, God has been giving us the strength we need, one day at a time. We have received so much support from friends in Waterloo and here in our new community. Me and Amberley will be going for professional counselling. We are so well loved. We can’t imagine walking this road alone. Thank you for all the messages, gifts, meals, and prayers, it means so much to us. God is supplying our every need.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

-Jesus, John 16:33