A week ago I posted a pretty raw update with an update on how we were doing at the 1 month anniversary of Everett’s death. I knew there was a risk in writing it on a weekday, but I felt like I needed to do it. I knew that I should probably just not check my phone at work the next day to read my messages, but I couldn’t stop looking. Your comments of support mean so much to me. I had, hands down, my most weepy day ever at work. I would read a message, some tears would squeak out, I would gather myself together, hoping my ball cap and glasses were hiding my bleary eyes. Then I would do it all over again. Again and again. Not sure it worked. But it was worth it. You are helping to lessen the burden of grief. Thank you.

After that day, I had 3 pretty good days at work in a row. Not just one: three. Either the giant ache in my heart is lessoning, or my body has grown accustomed to it. I am still always only a thought away from tears, but I am settling into my job. I found myself thinking about things not related to Everett’s death. I was starting to get a little hopeful about some things in life. There was some optimism. I wasn’t feeling like bursting into tears the second I got into my car at the end of the day.

Then, Friday night came. We were getting ready to head over to my brother’s place. I told Sage that we are all going there.
“You, Daddy, Mommy, and Piper are all going to Kirby’s”.
“And Everett”, Sage responded.
Then he caught himself.
“Oh”, he said, “Everett’s at Heaven”.

It hit me hard, which seems to be the preferred way for grief to walk into the room at this point. Heavy and thick. Dominating. Suffocating and overwhelming. I have felt a lot of darkness the past couple days. I’m also very tired. My patience is thin. I feel depressed about the future without Everett. Tonight at dinner the tears came again. I don’t usually try to stop them when they are around. I feel like for now it’s ok to cry at home, even if I feel like Piper sometimes looks at me now like “oh boy, he’s crying again”. I need to let the tears out. The kids were misbehaving, and I felt an urge to hurl my glass cup violently across the room and shatter it into pieces. I didn’t do it. I’m glad. Everett would sometimes help restore law and order, especially with Sage. I miss him so much. At some point Sage saw my tears and left his chair to come give me a tight hug. Sage can be such a wild boy, but his hugs are such a gift from above.

Yesterday, despite feeling exhausted emotionally I was able to get a tire swing set up for the kids (after a lot of aggravation) on a gorgeous tree in our backyard. Piper and Sage both love it. Hopefully it will be a joyful place for us.

At some point this past week, I felt a strong urge to look at videos of Everett Amberley had told me she had on her computer. I wasn’t sure how it would affect me, but it felt healing. I really enjoyed it. Man, Everett was such a great brother, and it wrecks me that Piper and Sage will grow up without him.

Piper is still doing well, and she says she doesn’t feel sad often anymore, although she is reminded of Everett on her bus ride. Her school bus goes past the church where we held his celebration of life, and she also goes by a graveyard which reminds her of her brother.

I’m grateful for the good 3 days I had. That gives me hope. It seems like progress. But it’s complicated. Brains are such a complicated thing. The thought of finding joy in life without Everett now feels like I’m betraying my own son. I know that’s not the case. My mind seems desperate to make the fact that Everett is gone be false. I’m 35 years old, Everett has been gone over 5 weeks, and my mind still makes me hope that one day Everett will walk in the driveway, will be in the room, will be playing in the yard when I come home from work, that I will wake up and this will all be a horrible nightmare. Even though there are so many horrible truths tattooed in my memory that Everett has left this earth, my mind does not relent. I feel like I might have a better understanding of what people who struggle with mental health issues go through. You can’t just snap out of some things.

Some prayer requests:
– strength for the dark, heavy moments, and that they would be less frequent
– for me & Amberley to be good parents despite our grief, and to still find joy in Piper and Sage. Both kids can be a real handful at times. It’s hard to be patient when you are strung out emotionally. We need Holy Spirit power.
-Good sleep for me, Amberley, and Sage.
– Praise for some positive moments/days

Thank you for still remembering us friends.

*the below post is from a social media message I posted soon after Everett’s body had been found after a massive 4 hour search on the island Everett had been camping on with some family members.*

There’s so much that could be said, but for now we want to share a massive thank you to the OPP, canine units, aviation services, underwater search & recovery, marine unit, and numerous fire department search and rescue teams, island cottage owners who gave up their time to help search km after km, along with countless family, friends and strangers who volunteered to come search for our precious son. There was so many people swarming the island, calling out Everett’s name, boaters watching the shoreline, and helicopter operators searching relentlessly. Everyone we met was so loving, caring, and desperate to help us bring Everett home safely. No effort or expense was spared to rescue our boy. Away from the island there were hundreds of prayers being prayed around the clock, begging God for Everett’s safety, and strength and comfort for us all.

Thank you for the outpouring of support, encouraging words, prayers, and sharing in our loss. Somehow, despite the crushing grief, we feel more loved and cared for than ever before, even though we feel more broken and shattered than we ever knew possible. We are surrounded by so many wonderful people. Reading and hearing these comments of support means more to us that you will ever know. It really does. Even though many of you have thankfully never experienced a pain like this, you have entered into our pain. Thank you for lifting us up to our loving Father, who has called one of his children home. And what a child he was! We feel your prayers, and we need them so desperately.

Especially we ask that you would pray for Piper, Everett’s 6 year old sister. They were the best of friends, and her world has been shattered, and this will forever change the person she becomes and life she lives. She is a sensitive girl who feels deeply, but is so strong and brave.

Everett we love you so much. We miss you. We can’t wait to see you again. Death will not have the final say because Jesus is alive. We cling to the hope of an empty tomb. See you soon EJ.

Trigger Warning // Scattered Raw Thoughts // Brief Family Update

Today marks one month since Everett left this earth.

Only two months ago we moved up north, and one month later, Everett was suddenly called home.

We hadn’t even really got settled in yet. Totally blindsided and unsuspecting.

Every fibre of my being wishes Everett were still here. The moment I wake up, I feel that horrible aching in my broken heart screaming that Everett is gone and he isn’t coming back. The ache that doesn’t go away. I can’t remember the last thing I said to Everett. Memories from our last month together are few, I hope more come back to mind in the future. But for now my mind runs rampant thinking about him almost everywhere I look.

Family meal times are so hard. The table feels so big and empty. Our van only needs 4 seats now. I find myself counting how many kids other families have. Everett, I miss making waffles for you on weekends. I miss coming home from work seeing you playing baseball in the yard. There is no one coming to join me when I start watching a game. We loved so many of the same things and without you these things feel so hollow now. Our stash of board games aren’t being used anymore. I miss your constant chattering. The dark, dingy basement of our old barn will never see you develop your carpentry skills any further. You and Piper would’ve put in lots of hours by now playing in the upstairs of the barn. Now, it’s just a place for storage, with toys, tools, and equipment you will never get to use. I miss seeing your creative drawings laying around the house. The bush only has a few trails, and some of them stop suddenly. I won’t get to take you to another Blue Jay game. I miss you cracking jokes. I miss your amazing giggle. I miss your humor. I miss your energy and love for life. I miss being amused and amazed by your amazing mind. I miss just hanging out with you. You were such a great friend! I miss you desperately. I love you Everett.

——————

FAMILY UPDATE:

Piper and Sage both seem to be doing very well considering what they are going thru. Thank you for praying for them!

Sage talks about Everett a lot. Everett was his hero. He knows Everett is in Heaven, but it seems he thinks that we can get to Heaven by airplane. He seems to understand that Everett is gone. It’s hard to know what’s really going on in his 2 year old mind. He will ask “are you sad about Everett?” and has started offering me hugs when he can see that I am crying. He normally goes to sleep at night nicely, but he hasn’t been sleeping through the night since Everett isn’t with him. Other then that he seems to basically be displaying normal 2 year old behaviour. (He just informed me that if I stop crying in my bed I will feel better (I am crying writing this post). What a sweet boy he is.

Piper has been so brave and strong in the face of losing her best friend. She makes our broken hearts burst with pride. She is starting to play again independently. She was so excited to go to her brand new school, and has been loving it. Her teacher informed Amberley recently that they went to a park area of the school that was built in honour of an 8 year old who had died, and Piper put up her hand and let the class know that her brother had died as well. We are grateful she is feeling comfortable enough with her new classmates to share such a personal thing, and to know that her teacher is more concerned with her emotional well being then her academics.

How are me and Amberley doing? That’s a hard question to answer. Our grief has displayed itself differently at times. We both feel immense pain, sorrow and loss. We grieve for Piper and Sage, and we grieve for ourselves because we just miss Everett so much. Right now the future looks so bleak and sad without Everett with us. It’s so hard. I cry every day. I am constantly just a second or 2 away from choking back tears. Numerous times I have felt like things were unbearable and that I couldn’t go on. It’s wearing trying to get through a long work day without breaking down. Some days (or moments) it feels more like we can make it through this, other days (or moments) it feels like we will wallow in heavy grief until death. I think with time things are slowly improving slightly, but we face a lifelong road ahead of us. I think we will forever be marked by grief. There are brief moments of laughter in our house again, but they always feel like just a slight momentary relief from our sorrow. I don’t know if we will ever be able to laugh the same again. But, God has been giving us the strength we need, one day at a time. We have received so much support from friends in Waterloo and here in our new community. Me and Amberley will be going for professional counselling. We are so well loved. We can’t imagine walking this road alone. Thank you for all the messages, gifts, meals, and prayers, it means so much to us. God is supplying our every need.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

-Jesus, John 16:33