A week ago I posted a pretty raw update with an update on how we were doing at the 1 month anniversary of Everett’s death. I knew there was a risk in writing it on a weekday, but I felt like I needed to do it. I knew that I should probably just not check my phone at work the next day to read my messages, but I couldn’t stop looking. Your comments of support mean so much to me. I had, hands down, my most weepy day ever at work. I would read a message, some tears would squeak out, I would gather myself together, hoping my ball cap and glasses were hiding my bleary eyes. Then I would do it all over again. Again and again. Not sure it worked. But it was worth it. You are helping to lessen the burden of grief. Thank you.

After that day, I had 3 pretty good days at work in a row. Not just one: three. Either the giant ache in my heart is lessoning, or my body has grown accustomed to it. I am still always only a thought away from tears, but I am settling into my job. I found myself thinking about things not related to Everett’s death. I was starting to get a little hopeful about some things in life. There was some optimism. I wasn’t feeling like bursting into tears the second I got into my car at the end of the day.

Then, Friday night came. We were getting ready to head over to my brother’s place. I told Sage that we are all going there.
“You, Daddy, Mommy, and Piper are all going to Kirby’s”.
“And Everett”, Sage responded.
Then he caught himself.
“Oh”, he said, “Everett’s at Heaven”.

It hit me hard, which seems to be the preferred way for grief to walk into the room at this point. Heavy and thick. Dominating. Suffocating and overwhelming. I have felt a lot of darkness the past couple days. I’m also very tired. My patience is thin. I feel depressed about the future without Everett. Tonight at dinner the tears came again. I don’t usually try to stop them when they are around. I feel like for now it’s ok to cry at home, even if I feel like Piper sometimes looks at me now like “oh boy, he’s crying again”. I need to let the tears out. The kids were misbehaving, and I felt an urge to hurl my glass cup violently across the room and shatter it into pieces. I didn’t do it. I’m glad. Everett would sometimes help restore law and order, especially with Sage. I miss him so much. At some point Sage saw my tears and left his chair to come give me a tight hug. Sage can be such a wild boy, but his hugs are such a gift from above.

Yesterday, despite feeling exhausted emotionally I was able to get a tire swing set up for the kids (after a lot of aggravation) on a gorgeous tree in our backyard. Piper and Sage both love it. Hopefully it will be a joyful place for us.

At some point this past week, I felt a strong urge to look at videos of Everett Amberley had told me she had on her computer. I wasn’t sure how it would affect me, but it felt healing. I really enjoyed it. Man, Everett was such a great brother, and it wrecks me that Piper and Sage will grow up without him.

Piper is still doing well, and she says she doesn’t feel sad often anymore, although she is reminded of Everett on her bus ride. Her school bus goes past the church where we held his celebration of life, and she also goes by a graveyard which reminds her of her brother.

I’m grateful for the good 3 days I had. That gives me hope. It seems like progress. But it’s complicated. Brains are such a complicated thing. The thought of finding joy in life without Everett now feels like I’m betraying my own son. I know that’s not the case. My mind seems desperate to make the fact that Everett is gone be false. I’m 35 years old, Everett has been gone over 5 weeks, and my mind still makes me hope that one day Everett will walk in the driveway, will be in the room, will be playing in the yard when I come home from work, that I will wake up and this will all be a horrible nightmare. Even though there are so many horrible truths tattooed in my memory that Everett has left this earth, my mind does not relent. I feel like I might have a better understanding of what people who struggle with mental health issues go through. You can’t just snap out of some things.

Some prayer requests:
– strength for the dark, heavy moments, and that they would be less frequent
– for me & Amberley to be good parents despite our grief, and to still find joy in Piper and Sage. Both kids can be a real handful at times. It’s hard to be patient when you are strung out emotionally. We need Holy Spirit power.
-Good sleep for me, Amberley, and Sage.
– Praise for some positive moments/days

Thank you for still remembering us friends.