It’s Sunday afternoon. Today is one of those days where grief is violently battering me. It feels like I have been dragged out of the trenches, into the middle of the battlefield, and the arrows are flying from every side. Perhaps as we approach the 3 month mark past Everett’s death, the shock is wearing off and the chilling reality that is too much to absorb at once or even in a few months is soaking deeper into the crevices of our new reality. Me and Amberley dragged ourselves to church, and both spent the service trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to keep the tears at bay. At times I feel almost irresistibly compelled to visit Everett’s gravesite. This was one of those days. In these moments, I have such a strong, almost panicky desire for closeness and intimacy with Everett, whether it’s being close to his body, or seeing him in photos or video that feels almost like a magnetic force is desperately pulling me towards him.

Today I gathered some of his belongings and took them with me to his gravesite. It’s just stuff – there’s nothing magic in them, but holding, kissing, hugging, and looking at things like his ball glove and baseball bat gives me a tiny bit of connection I so urgently crave.

My therapist has asked me a couple times what I talk about when I visit Everett’s grave. Both times, he has followed up this question by asking me what I think Everett would say to me. This is something I normally don’t think about, but today I wanted to use my imagination to hear more about what a now perfectly perfect Everett might say to me. So I sat in a lawn chair with a notepad and pen overlooking my son’s tombstone-less grave covered with a photo and some belongings and wrote a letter from him to myself.

Daddy, I love you.
You are the best daddy ever!
I’m so glad you’ll always be my Daddy,
I wouldn’t choose anybody else!
I loved our family so much.
I had so much fun with you Daddy!
You were my hero. I always loved being with you.

You’re so funny, Daddy! You’re so silly and I loved when you made me laugh. I loved when you played baseball and soccer with me in our backyard. Thank you for making a hockey rink in our yard in the winters. That rink was so special and I loved it so much! I especially loved when you came home from work and we would play half court hockey together almost every night. I thought it was so funny when you told me I was playing like Zack Hyman, being such a pest trying to get the puck from you. You would call me “Zackary on the Attackery”.

I liked when you made up silly songs about me that started with “Everett, Everett Jude…” even though Jude rhymes with nude, so your songs were always very weird! I loved how weird you are Daddy, and I loved that people thought I was a lot like you. I even looked like you, but with hair!

Thank you for making us such a great playset, and for teaching me board games and playing them with me. Those games were another of my favourite things to do with you. You always made the games so fun!

Thanks for all those times you let me eat extra cookies, ice-cream, and chocolate cake. You understood because you love those things too!

Daddy, thank you for taking me to the hospital and staying with me when I had a really bad infection in my hip that really hurt.

Daddy, thank you for being patient and gentle with me when I was stubborn and shy. Daddy, I always felt so safe when I was with you! thank you for telling me so often that you loved me, and that you were proud of me. I always knew you really meant that, no matter what kind of a day we had!

Thank you for letting me watch sports with you, and not getting too annoyed when I talked a lot while you were trying to listen to the announcers.

Thank you for taking me to a few Leaf and Blue Jay games. Those were some of my favourite days ever!

Thank you for teaching me about Jesus and how much He loves me, and for taking me to church, and trying to show me what God is like by the way you lived your life and cared for me. I know you weren’t perfect, but I always knew that I was so loved and I was always so proud of you!

Thank you for starting to teach me how to mow the lawn after we moved to Parry Sound. I’m glad I got to sit in your lap while you helped me mow for the first time ever. That was so fun!

Thanks for being patient with me when I was stubborn about peeing standing up or thought hand dryers were too noisy. You didn’t usually make a big deal about it because you know those things didn’t really matter too much.

Daddy, I know you’re really sad that I died. It’s ok Daddy. You don’t have to cry for me. Remember when I told you I would like to live in the Roger’s Centre? Heaven is way better! Everything is perfect here! The pizza never has yucky red sauce on it, and I never have to go to bed! Jesus is really, really funny Daddy! He loves to play games with me!

Daddy, don’t feel guilty that you weren’t there to rescue me when I fell in the water. Don’t worry about how scared I must’ve been, sinking in the water. Jesus was with me, even though I’m sure you can’t understand. Thank you for walking so many kilometers through the bush looking for me when nobody but Jesus knew that I was already safe with him. Don’t blame yourself or anybody else. Don’t blame yourself for moving to Parry Sound, or for anything that you think you could’ve done to protect me. It was an accident, and I know that you never thought that something like this would ever happen to me because I was such a smart and careful kid.

Daddy, don’t punish yourself for those times I asked you to play with me and you said you were too busy, or that you would do it later. I forgive you for not always paying attention to me because you were looking at your phone. Just try to say yes as much as you can to Piper and Sage, they will be really happy about that, and so will you.

Daddy, don’t give up. I want you to take good care of Mommy, Piper and Sage. I want you to be silly and have fun with them, just like you were when I was on Earth.

Don’t worry about what to say when people ask you how many kids you have. Daddy, I want you to be happy again. I know you love me and miss me so much, but I don’t want you to be so sad forever. Don’t compare Piper and Sage to me, just be proud of who they are, just the way you accepted me for who God made me. I’m not bragging, but they probably won’t be as smart as I was, and that’s ok. They are both great at other things that I wasn’t as good at. Just like you loved me just because I was your son, love them just for being your kids. They are awesome! You don’t need to prove that you love me by always being sad. They need you Daddy!

Daddy, I hope in time that losing me is only a part of your story, and not your identity. Just like you so often prayed for me, that God would do big things with my life, God wants to do big things with your life Daddy!

Daddy, you don’t have to think about me all the time. It’s good for you to think about other things. It’s good for you to smile, to laugh. Don’t feel guilty when you aren’t in so much pain. Daddy. I want you to be yourself again. Daddy, I know your life will be hard, but don’t give up because when you get to heaven it will all be worth it. Keep following Jesus. He is so good. I know you are hurt and confused, but Jesus really cares about you Daddy.

I love you Daddy, and I can’t wait to see you again. This time there will be no last goodbye. And if you think I was good at Rubik’s cube on earth, wait until you see me now!

See you soon Daddy

Love

Everett Jude Freeman

Above is pictured an actual love letter I found in a book. I don’t think Everett actually showed me this letter, but it’s so precious now.